I Am Heathcliff

Wuthering Heights is one of the 100 best films ever made. So says AFI (the "American Film Institute"). It's also one of my favorite movies (...see some of my other "favorite films"). While watching (for the umpteenth time) a recent broadcast of the film, I was as much drawn into the story as ever. I know most of the dialogue by heart and am always moved by the scene when Cathy -- just after her diatribe about how she wishes Heathcliff weren't so low and how he was so not the refined person she'd like him to be -- realizies that her connection to Heathcliff is so primal, everything else is superficial insignificance, and suddenly proclaims, "I am Heathcliff".

This time when I watched this scene, I had a unique experience of my own ...a realization of sorts ...that I was indeed so very much the embodiment of someone I proclaimed to detest. No, this is not about love. This is merely about my relationship with a friend ...no, not even that, an acquaintance, a neighbor.

It all started about 5 years ago. The apartment across the hall had become available. As I witnessed the parade of potential tenants coming and going, I speculated on their respective personalities, and those with which I'd most likely get along. The guy who eventually rented the apartment, let's call him Richard, was like myself, gay, and immediately took that commonality as license to insinuate himself into my life. Now, I always like meeting new people, and I can always use new friends, but sometimes when you meet someone new, the red flags go up and warning lights flash; you know this is not something you should encourage. But he was pushy and insistent, and with an unyielding deliberation [over these past five years], continually drew me into situations I, in retrospect, wished I had avoided.

It was my sense of civility and politeness that kept me from simply telling him to "fuck off". But, every time I would emerge from one of those awful scenes, I'd be so angry for allowing myself to have been drawn yet again into a situation that I knew would end badly.

So why did I continue to allow this to happen? You see, I too was drawn to Richard, because, physical appearance aside, he was a mirror of myself. Our personalities were (are) very much alike and, those things I despised about him where, in fact, the personality traits I despise in myself. I guess subconsciously I was always aware of this, but it was during this recent viewing of "Wuthering Heights", I suddenly realized, "I am Richard".

Funny, I find that now I don't "detest" him [so much], and oddly enough, I don't have any problems in simply telling him "no" and keeping him at bay. Our relationship is much better now, because I've put it in it's proper place, as merely an acquaintance-ship. I have a new-found respect for him (and treat him accordingly) because I no longer fault him for my own shortcomings.